There is someone in my past who many of you will recognize without naming. That's NOT what my blogs are for. That said, this individual has a seemly unending supply of anger, confronted, they will misquote the Bible and assure you it's a RIGHTEOUS ANGER. Years of exposure to this has left me drained of the energy it takes to be angry, at least for more than the moment. Anger has to have fuel to be sustained. My own rage was startling, to say the least. But once my head cleared, and I looked at What emotional bucket had been kicked, I found violations of my person, physical, emotional that I would NOT have had cause to activity of recall. Personal betrayal, some, I NEVER _have had cause to speak of to anyone. But common theme was personal trust broken, in a manner that resonates with disregard for my personhood. In each case, a person once given some degree of trust, committed an act that, to me, seems only possible if you (they that was them) have objectified me to level that I as an individual ceased to exist, NOT pleasant experience. Rape, emotionally is the only term that honestly expresses these experiences. Harsh word, but I'm not sharing to sugarcoat life. Relieved that I got a grip on the startling violent rage I experienced, but strolling down memory lane, it's more like finding yourself suddenly in "Knockturn Alley" (Harry Potter reference there).
Evil that wo/men will do.... It's a wonder how they can look themselves in the mirror, and meet their own eyes. I can turn the other cheek, But slap it also. Delete file/ toxin not permitted. Very few severe offenders get 3rd strike. Twice bitten, that's sufficient. Sure, people make mistakes. But this is something beyond "I'm sorry "....
Once you cross that line, violation of my person. It is allowed to do delete on relationship.
Yes, I KNOW Luke 17:1-4 may say different, but it also says "if they repent " .... that's their part they own. Sadly, most violators either accept full weight and measure of their betrayal AND/OR root cause is still within them. People have the right to perseverance of selfhood.
If you have been trespassed against, the LORD is NOT expecting you forgive a rapists for the sake of your violator, but that YOU have peace in your own soul.
Just my take on life.....

Well, the past few days have been a difficult personal trial. As a Chronic Pain patient, like many have clearly articulated in their blogs, ect, learning to cope and maintain pleasant mindset can be greatly taxed by pain. Sweetest person you EVER knew, as an acquaintance of mine describe his friends saga from point A to point B. He still occasionally attempts to offer company, assistance with any tasks that pain has made burdensome. He has been fairly consistently rebuffed over past 3 years, with things obviously deteriorating rapidly approximately 7 years ago, and it was approximately 10 years ago the condition was diagnosed.
The anger that I felt, combined with the horrifyingly effects of incipient withdrawal, sorting out the massima of anger , angry at the violation, angry that I'm dependent on medication- the bottom line being someone else controls the quality of my life. PLEASE, DON'T TAKE THIS OUT OF CONTEXT: I have struggled to find health care providers that take time to sort thru the conditions I have and treat me with credibility, AND AGAIN, I GO ON RECORD SAYING I BELIEVE APM IS AN AMAZING BALANCE OF PROFESSIONAL & PERSONAL CARE. This time of self reflection has lead to some personal discoveries, the way the mind stores and sorts emotional issues. And What happens when your "applecart is overturned. Found demons I had nearly forgotten TOTALLY!!! , But the emotional damage was stored in same "basket " .....hindsight being 20/20... If nothing else, I'm less baffled by the rage and violation I felt.
Yes, I AM ANGRY. But angry fades, the deep sense of violation is the predominantly reoccurring emotional state ...

Promises, promises

I have learned long ago, not to make "promises" you cannot keep. Sometimes it was as simple as if one of my children asked if we were "going back home today " after out of town trips were winding down- I'd tell them that's the plan …but anything could change that, like car trouble. So, no PROMISE, but my intention.
I PROMISED, took an OATH, on a CHURCH, before GOD, and plenty of other witnesses, that I would honor and keep the Sacrament of Marriage. And I did just that. When there were times that my former spouse, at his own admission, was upset with me, because he had deliberately set out to, at the very minimum, had hoped to incite discourse and hopefully a negative emotional reaction from me- and he was angry at his failure to provoke me, often confused at my apparent lack of anger, I FORGAVE HIM. I was aware of his past, his "baggage", if you will. Previous relationship (s) were often so adversarial in nature and that wasn't me. I have often felt bad that love, affection, honesty, kindness, and always being willing to forgive and move forward weren't enough. I made PROMISES, I tried to keep them, and broke NONE that, historically, would have been "cause" to set aside a wife. Just because it wasn't a success, wasn't because I gave cause.
Being so cautious with Promises, it hurts more than most people really grasp, when they"promise " me something. I rather you swear to do your very best and tell me you "planned intentions" , than promise me ANYTHING. IT'S BREAKING MY HEART FOLKS. I LOVE AND CARE VERY MUCH, FOR SO MANY PEOPLE. Can you just do your best? Don't swear or promise something bigger than what you've got. Hurts too much...

Welcome the new decade, folks it's more of a milestone than been given note. So much fanfare and fear were given to"Y2K" and the 2012 Myan calendar build up, which, when the church "corrected" calendar, puts us already past the 2012 of THAT calendar ....
Today is the day your living in, as you procrastinating types know, tomorrow is ALWAYS one more day away. For many resolution makers, tomorrow is that day that NEVER arrives.
Not saying not to plan wisely, or that patience isn't a damn useful skill, but if you've repaired damage you've done, if your not making the same mistakes, let go of the regret. Regret is great if it gives motivation to repair/repent and MATURE. Otherwise, it's just another toxin in your system

Live in TODAY